HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL THE AMERICAN BLOOGERS OUT THERE!!
(Here in Canada, our Thanksgiving is in Oct.)
A friend called me yesterday evening and asked what I've been up to these days; why I haven't been in touch.
I started the conversation by warning her that my battery is low and my phone might die.Then proceeded to tell her I had been depressed lately so I've been burying myself in work,charity and starting to get ready for Christmas to nip the oncoming depression in the bud. But, the phone went dead before I could get the whole sentence out. My battery died.
It's the only phone in the house so I couldn't call her back right away. By the time it was recharged,I had forgotten about the call so didn't call her back.
Then at 2:05 a.m. I was awoken by the phone ringing. More asleep than awake,I answered. It was a differant, mutual friend of mine and the other caller.
He said he was sorry for calling at such an hour but couldn't sleep because he had heard I was going through some hard times and he was concerned for me. He was calling from a differant time zone and it was even later where he was.It touched me that he cared that much. So, I got up and we talked for about two hours. By the end of our phone call, he said he was glad he had gotten me laughing at my troubles and in a more optomistic state of mind. It didn't make much sense to me but I figured,oh well... I don't need to understand everything, do I?
Just before we hung up, I asked him where he had heard I was going through hard times. " through Mary", he said.
After questioning him about what she had said to him. I figured it out.
Turned out that Mary,(the mutual friend) had called me earlier,was worried about me and called him in a panic. She thought I said that I might die, I'm depressed and I want to bury myself...then the phone cut out on her. She assumed I had just hung up I was so sad or depressed or whatever.
Craziness!!

Irony sucks.
Everything related to that hell is removed. I threw it out. Anything that could remind me of who and how I had been. The changes took a long time because I wanted to ensure that the changes were for real.Not pretentious or phoney but from the heart, genuine and real. To have that level of quality,I knew it would be alot of work and would take a long time. It would be worth it,I told myself because if I didn't rush and grab onto just any ol' poser life.It would be capable of withstanding whatever storm came my way in the future. If I built it solid and without compromise;( my life,that is and my self),when the devil tried to kick me in the teeth again and again and again,I'd be able to withstand it. Should have been able to,in theory.
All that was like a thousand years ago.
Another lifetime. A differant me.
Since then, alot of storms ( and fair weather too) have come and gone and somehow I came through 'still standing'...whatever that means.LOL
And now this.
Who would ever have thought my kid would turn into me. Not the renewed me but that old,old me. The 'me' that my kid never met, never heard (much) about; there's no way my kid could be role modelling that part of my history. And as for the crippling theory that addictions can be inherited...I adopted my kid,so that's out too. So, if it isn't learned by role modelling and it isn't 'in the blood',and if it isn't from the lifestyle I raised my child in,then how and why is my kid turning out just like the old me?

That's pretty much all I got to say today. I told myself I'd post regularily,so...there.I posted.

There was a peace, a solice in sorrow. If I would only resign myself to the sadness
just accept it as one of those things 'I cannot change'...but the voice of truth has an authority that is hard to ignore.That is, it's hard to ignore IF my choice is to remain honest with myself-
(easy to ignore when/if I lie...but lying to myself is something that's getting harder and harder to do,with the less of it I indulge in.
That Voice of Truth tells me that there is a true comfort;a true comforter,in honest sorrow.
There's also a fake one, a poser, an imposter.
Again...it comes to my power of choice.

The latest wave of teachings I'm learning, concerning addictions and other negative behaviors is the 'unlearning of harmful responses to stress and other triggers'. It makes logical sense. If logic is strong enough to help much,remains to be seen.
They ask us questions like,how do we respond to stresses? Like social pressure? Work performance pressure? Etc.
Then we examine our responses, discuss them,decide if we think they're effective or mature or productive,etc. Do we think they're counterproductive,responsable,etc. If we felt they were negative responses,what would be a more appropriate response? How could we change ourself to respond the way we would like to?
Pretty basic,simple and streight forward.
Another portion of the program is geared to discovering alternative social and personal practices.
I hope this works but if it doesn't,all isn't lost because it's sorta fun.